Random Thoughts.

Marriage. Is it strange that when I think of this word I connect it to bondage and stagnation? My mind is quite dark I know this, however I can't help but to be honest. Most see it as a beautiful commitment between two people that wish to share themselves with another and remain faithful and loving. As much as I want to fight such negative feelings I can't...maybe it's because I see so many flawed/unhealthy/failed relationships that I cannot accept it as being anything else. Perhaps my need to be independent faults me as I honestly loathe the idea of having to consult with someone for everything that occurs in my life (I have always been a little bit on the secretive-side). Also, (at least from what I see) women tend to sacrifice themselves so much more than men do for the sake of maintaining family or whatever the reason may be. I refuse. I only have one life and I need to be happy. As sad as this may sound I would prefer to go to bed alone and content, than to crawl into bed next to someone miserable and resentful.

My aunt used to say "You can sleep next to someone for years and never truly know who they are". If that's the case, I'm scared out of my mind to say "I do" to anyone (at this point in my life anyway). I mean I'm still learning about myself, why would it be logical to get to know someone else? Since marriage is a union I think it valuable to understand oneself and make sure you are on the same level with the other person. If not it seems like a lose-lose situation to me. One day I may change my perspective, if and when that happens I will remember the words of Frost's poem The Birds Do Thus,

"I slept all day.
The birds do thus
That sing a while
At eve for us.

To have you soon
I gave away-
Well satisfied
To give- a day

Life's not so short
I care to keep
The unhappy days;
I chose to sleep".

*My internal debate on marriage will continue. Keep posted and let me know how you feel about the subject.